LI Staff Directory

The history of Joseph Metzger is a rather typical one. Since the beginning of time, Mr. Metzger existed as naught more than a quantum fluctuation in a 26 dimensional superstring suspended in a nebulously defined interdimensional phantom zone, existing neither in this universe nor in any others. In 1994, due to the theory of indeterminacy as defined by Heisenberg, Mr. Metzger appeared for no particular reason in the cellar of a castle, and locked therein he found many, many bales of hay, a spinning wheel, and a sad, young woman.

 

When he inquired as to the cause of the young woman's sadness, he learned that a greedy king had heard rumors of her having an ability to spin straw into gold, and, wanting more gold for himself, the king ordered her locked in the castle cellar, and ordered her to turn the straw into gold. The king further told her that if she did not do this by morning, she would be killed.

 

Mr. Metzger, coincidentally having the ability to spin straw into gold, agreed to do this for the young woman, but only on the condition that she give him her first born child. She agreed, since her only other option was to die. Mr. Metzger spent the night toiling, spinning, and transmuting thereby all the straw into gold. By daybreak, the king was so pleased with the work of the young woman, he decided to marry her.

 

The following year, the woman bore a son, and from seemingly out of nowhere, Mr. Metzger appeared to collect what was due to him. The young woman was quite distraught at the prospect of losing her baby, and Mr. Metzger felt sorry for her. He offered her a deal whereby he would be willing to forgive her debt if only she could guess his name.

 

Her first guess was Rumpelstiltskin, but this was obviously incorrect. Her second guess was Joe, and not only was this correct, causing her debt to be forgiven, but it also, for reasons which shall not be explained here for the sake of brevity, caused Mr. Metzger to appear at the doorstep of the Leadership Institute, simultaneously leap forward 6 years in time, and begin working there as the assistant controller.

 

Mr. Metzger was subsequently promoted to controller and then to Vice President of Finance therefrom. He remains at the Leadership Institute to this day, lives in Fairfax, Virginia, and is married to a woman who cannot spin straw into gold.